dear narrator,
i should say that your relationship with your parents especially your mom is complementary. due to your status differences, your “presence” is stressing your family system.
your mother treats you like a baby. well, i think it’s natural for your mother to act like that because you’ve been away. it’s her way of paying back the times that she wasn’t able to take care of you.
you and your dad are caught in the double bind mutuality exclusive expectations. your dad’s demand that you should stop smoking and go back being premed. you also want your dad to stop being obsessed with your smoking. however, the demands will likely not to be met because your relationship is not symmetrical – but complementary.
in your sisters case, you are trapped in a system with no place to go. you noticed that when you are having a good time with your dad, your sister gets into the way and ruin your day. it seems that your sister is just jealous because the attention of both your parents are focused on you. she doesn’t want to be scolded by someone she considers as a “stranger”.
my advice to you mr. narrator is that you have to change the rules in order to change the game your family is playing. act like true man since your the first-born. first, understand your family member’s situation. don’t be too selfish to focus on how you feel and how they affect you. consider their views regarding your presence in your house. you will get an idea how to deal with them through this.
second, tell your mom and dad how you feel about their demands. don’t give them a symptom strategy because they can read or most likely misinterpret your actions/avoidance to communicate. that is why your mom was hurt even though you didn’t say anything. tell them that you’re already an adult and that you are responsible enough of your decisions in life. of course, don’t just say it but do it!
about your dad, i’m quite pessimistic that he would change the way he treats you and his peers. i guess, father’s are like that. they treat their friends and family members unequally as if they value more their peers.
lastly, your sister’s dilemma is natural. her jealousy may just pass or it may not. talk to her and tell her that even though you don’t live with your family anymore, you’re still part of the family. whether she likes it or not, you are still her older brother and that will never change. in case she wouldn’t listen after all your efforts, just leave her alone. besides, you will not be dealing with her everyday because you’ll go back to school. but still, your relationship with your sister is worth trying.
p.s. you and your family must read The Interactional View of Watzlawick
-Yhani-
